It’s a numbers game. But here’s how to beat the odds

In a perfect world, you would download a dating app, spend 15 minutes uploading some photos and posting some text.

When the screen refreshes, you’re rewarded with a bevy of attractive and compatible people to consider — and among this embarrassment of riches you find your soulmate, your best friend, your person.

If you are a romantic — and you must be somewhat romantic if you’re pursuing romance online — then seeing your soulmate appear before you will seem like a bolt of lightning has struck your screen.

But the odds of finding your soulmate after investing 15 minutes of time are about the same as getting struck by lightning.

However, you can dramatically improve your odds of finding your person if you set aside your romantic inclinations and accept online dating for what it is: a numbers game.

I know this doesn’t sound very romantic. But if you truly want romance, you must take a practical approach.

And don’t just take my word for it. Consider the work of Titus Lucretius Carus (c. 99 — c. 55 BC), a Roman poet and philosopher.

According to Lucretius (and I’m paraphrasing his epic poem On the Nature of Things), as you increase the number and frequency of collisions in any system, you increase the number of outcomes and the chance of success.

Apply Lucretius to online dating:

• See as many profiles as possible. This means using multiple apps, because there’s no way to know whether the person you’re looking for is on the same app as you. The cost of two or more dating apps is a small price to pay for a long-term relationship. Some sites, like Match.com, have more people than eHarmony. Match also seems to have more people 50–65 than SilverSingles or OurTime, even though those sites cater to people over 50.
• Maximize the number of people who see your profile. This means making your profile as complete and appealing as possible. I describe how to improve your photos [here]. Plan to spend about an hour on each app to build your profile.
• Make initial contact with as many people as possible. As long as you believe there’s a chance you might hit it off in person, reach out. Don’t just send a “like,” “wink,” or some other cursory notification. Instead, personalize every message by referring to something in their profile that appealed to you. Don’t just send a compliment on their appearance — that only shows you care more about looks than substance.
• Check your apps daily. People serious about finding their soulmate check daily. This increases “frequency.” If your soulmate is just as serious, they’re checking daily too. They’ll take you more seriously if they see you’re equally engaged. Always respond to any messages you receive within 12 hours, unless you’re not interested.
• Go on as many coffee dates as possible. After you’ve reviewed photos, read descriptions, texted, maybe had a phone call or FaceTime, set up a coffee date. It’s a minimal investment of time and money, and you’ll quickly sense whether there’s potential for chemistry and compatibility. Remember: at this stage, you’re only looking for the potential of chemistry and compatibility — and whether this person is worth pursuing for a second date.