Vanessa: Ghosted by my MagneticMatch: the INFJ door slam
She was 5’10”. I’m only 5’5”. “You’ll only come up to my boobs!” she said.
She was 5’10”. I’m only 5’5”. “You’ll only come up to my boobs!” she said.
She didn’t seem to care. Neither did I. Because Vanessa was an INFJ – my magnetic match – or so I thought at the time.
We had never met in person, but we agreed to cross the Pacific Ocean together on a 40-foot sailboat. I know that sounds crazy, but that’s what real sailors do.
The decision was an easy one for her: all she had to do was show up at my boat in a month’s time. But my commitment was more substantial: I had to spend thousands of dollars to retrofit my boat with a new, state-of-the-art liferaft, and many other additions, improvements, and upgrades.
Here’s how she described me:
“I like your humor. I like your honesty. I like how forthright you are. I appreciate your vulnerability. I like your intelligence. I like how easy it is to talk to you. You make me laugh.”
Then, one evening, I described the intensity of my previous relationship with Tammy. And I never heard from Vanessa again.
I was door-slammed.
The INFJ Door Slam as Case Study
The “door slam” is one of the most famous — and infamous — INFJ behaviors. It’s not an impulsive act of ghosting. It’s a deeply considered, internally justified choice that can feel devastatingly final to the other person. Vanessa’s disappearance illustrates the mechanics of it almost perfectly.
Step 1: Dominant Function — Introverted Intuition (Ni)
INFJs lead with Ni, which constantly scans for underlying meaning and future trajectories. Unlike Sensing types, who often take relationships moment by moment, Ni types jump ahead, imagining where the story will end.
When I described the intensity of my relationship with Tammy, Vanessa’s Ni didn’t just hear words — it ran a simulation. She likely imagined herself in Tammy’s place: swept into overwhelming passion, unable to keep her emotional footing, and ultimately at risk of the same painful outcome. To her, the pattern was already written.
Step 2: Auxiliary Function — Extraverted Feeling (Fe)
Fe drives INFJs to maintain harmony — but also to avoid disharmony. Once her Ni projection suggested that our potential relationship might become unbalanced or destructive, her Fe stepped in. Rather than confronting me, or negotiating boundaries, Vanessa did what many INFJs do: she chose self-protection through silence.
Fe isn’t about personal expression; it’s about group dynamics. For her, pulling away cleanly may have felt like the least disruptive option — even if it was confusing to me.
Step 3: Tertiary and Inferior Functions — Ti and Se
The INFJ’s tertiary Ti seeks internal logical consistency: Does this relationship make sense? Is it sustainable? Combined with the inferior Se, which makes INFJs cautious about being trapped in chaotic external situations, the answer became no. The Pacific crossing may have seemed thrilling at first, but Ti+Se would have reinforced the fear: Too risky. Too much.
Thus, all four functions aligned:
• Ni: This will end badly.
• Fe: Disengage to protect harmony.
• Ti: The logic doesn’t hold.
• Se: The risk is intolerable.
When all four functions line up, the INFJ decision is final.
Why the Door Slam Feels So Absolute
From the outside, the INFJ door slam looks sudden and harsh: yesterday you’re planning a shared adventure, today you’re met with silence. But inside the INFJ’s mind, the decision isn’t impulsive. It’s the culmination of deep intuitive processing, often invisible to the other person.
By the time Vanessa cut contact, she had already “seen” the ending. And for an Ni-dominant, once the ending is clear, the middle no longer matters.
This explains why INFJs rarely offer closure. To them, the internal closure has already happened. Explaining it feels unnecessary — or even impossible — because the logic is intuitive, not linear.
Lessons from Vanessa
1. The trigger was not my past with Tammy — it was Vanessa’s projection of that past into her own future.
2. INFJs prefer clean breaks to messy negotiations. Their Fe avoids conflict, and their Ni tells them they’ve already made the right call.
3. It wasn’t about me, but about her psychic economy. INFJs have limited reserves. If they sense a relationship will drain them, they conserve energy by withdrawing entirely.
The Paradox of the Magnetic Match
The irony is that INFJs are often the most magnetic match for INTJs. Our Ni-Ni pairing creates immediate recognition, and our Te–Fe complement offers balance. But the same intensity that draws us together can also be what drives us apart.
With Vanessa, the promise of a trans-Pacific adventure was real. But so was the risk. And in true INFJ fashion, she chose the path of self-preservation — by closing the door.
The INFJ door slam is not rejection in the shallow sense. It’s an INFJ’s way of enforcing a boundary they cannot articulate any other way. For INTJs like me, understanding this mechanism turns heartbreak into insight: their silence is not an insult, but a survival strategy for them.
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