For my tribe at the Apple Store

Several days ago, I purchased a new HP Laserjet M234sdw to print out my provisional patents. I never trust a wireless connection when I have the option of a hardwired connection, so I needed a cable to connect my new LaserJet to my MacBookPro M2.

There are many flavors of USB connectors. Long ago, USB-A was the standard. Now USB-C is the standard. But printers have always used USB-B.

So I needed a USB-B (for my printer) to USB-C for my MacBookPro M2.

I went to Best Buy because I was in a hurry and didn’t have time to wait for two-day delivery from Amazon.

I ran in, saw a guy and told him I need a USB-B to USB-C cable.

He walked me over to the cables. We both looked and couldn’t find a USB-B to USB-C cable.

Then he asked me, “Why do you want a USB-B to USB-C? EVERY computer has a USB-A port. And besides, there is no such thing as a USB-B to USB-C cable. They don’t exist.”

I said, “My computer does not have a USB-A port. I have a MacBookPro M2.”

“Oh, you have an Apple,” he said contemptuously. As if I were a cretin or leper.

“Well, you must buy this USB-A to USB-B cable, plus this USB-A to USB-C adapter,” he said, with the same, self-assured smugness that Microsoft is famous for.

I told him I already had the adapter. So I left the store with the cable he told me I must have. But I was disappointed. Because I had failed to fulfill my mission.

I got into my car, and just before I started it, I thought “Wait a minute. There’s gotta be a USB-B to USB-C cable. I bet that guy is wrong!

Rule #1 of Tech Support: Trust no one.

So I picked up my iPhone, launched the Amazon app and searched “USB-B to USB-C cable.” And there it was. For $9.89.

Then, I remembered something. I realized that guy wasn’t wearing a blue Best Buy shirt. He had on a black shirt, with a multi-colored logo over the breast pocket: Microsoft.

So, I wasted $8.47 on a cable I didn’t want or need. But I did get a story out of it.

And I can assure you as a frequent visitor to Apple Stores at multiple locations going back to the 2001, I’ve never had an experience like that with any Apple employee. Ever. Anywhere.

Because the folks who staff Apple Stores are the friendliest, kindest, most helpful, persistent employees you will ever encounter.

Think about it: when you go into a mall today, you will see many stores shuttered. Or empty. But the Apple Store is always full.

Do you know why?

Because Apple rejects 9 out of 10 applicants, according to one Apple Store employee when I asked why all their teammates were universally terrific.

And because the employees of the Apple Store provide the best experience of any retail outlet of any kind. Period.

And remember when Microsoft launched its own retail store? Of course you don’t. You were even alive when that experiment failed.

Listen, I’m no Apple apologist — I’ve roasted Tim Cook’s Apple aplenty — but even on Apple’s worst day, Apple’s in-store experience beats anything from Redmond.

So if anyone at Microsoft gives a shit, contact me and I will share an unredacted image of the receipt.

Do I expect to hear from Microsoft?

Nope.

Because it isn’t PC…and a leopard doesn’t change its spots. Not even a Snow Leopard 10.6.8